Onion Summer Writing Fellowship Packet

See my efforts maybe come to fruition

Apr 14, 2025

My offering is sour, but the juice is…more sour

There comes a time in every satyr’s life when they must leave the forest. When they must take a brief break from frolicking to go into town, join a greengrocer’s league, and sell some produce.

As I’m sure you’ll recall, the keystone of this little publication was my (rejected) application for the Onion Summer Writing Fellowship in 2024. I shared my Headlines and New-In-Brief articles, and you hungry hogs ate it right up. Well, it’s time for another offering. Except this time if you want the whole she-bang, you’ll gotta send this mouse a little cheddar. And I’ll sweeten the deal: if you subscribe, you’ll get to vote on which headline I turn into a full-length, narrated piece (I’ve been told my voice is very nice and well-suited to sardonic narrative).

Headlines

ICE Agent Takes Line Cook To Go
Scientists Warn Planet Running Out Of Greener Grass
Alabama Cheer Squad Raises Money For Locker Room Ultrasound Machine
Nation’s Babies Face Malnutrition As FAA Layoffs Cause Food Airplane Collisions
Five-Second Rule Repealed After Man Still Develops Leukemia
New Law Mandates Share Button Be At Least Six Inches Away From Porn Video
Plural For Octopus Now Whatever The Hell You Want
Anthropologists Report First Guy To Pee On Jellyfish Sting ‘Was Just Into That’
Young Chinese Activists Prepare To Boycott American Sweatshops
Jealous AI Girlfriend Already In Your Phone
New Call of Duty Plot Suspiciously Similar To Grandfather’s War Anecdote
So-Called Selfmade Millionaire Discovered To Be Product of Vaginal Birth
Mormon Soaking Conference To Be Held Over Active Fault Line
TSA Agents Now Trained To Buy You Dinner First
Student Loans Forgiven After Education Abolished
Feminist Miss Alabama Contestant Replaces Swimsuit Portion With Minstrel Show
Rube Goldberg Machine Implicated In Seven Hour Suicide Attempt
Amazon Warehouse Piss Bottles Rehired By Gatorade Following Layoffs
Floor-Is-Lava Championship To Be Held In Hawaiian Furniture Store
Mariachi Band Surprise Hit at Police Funeral Following Gig Mix-Up
Looming Energy Crisis Has Homeowners Stockpiling Uranium
New Humane Radiator Design Includes Booster Seat for Kidnapped Child
Hipster Christians Claim Their Sin The ‘Most Original’
Statue of Liberty Deported For French Heritage
Stroke Rates Surge Following Banana Squirrel Firetruck

Plural For Octopus Now Whatever The Hell You Want It To Be

PHILADELPHIA, PA — After much deliberation, linguists from the University of Pennsylvania have determined that the correct pluralization of the word octopus is now “whatever the hell you want it to be.” “We have found that the time spent deciding whether to say octopuses, octopodes, or octopi can be better used doing literally anything else,” said Professor Yusuf Vardabedean, explaining that most people don’t even encounter enough situations to describe a group of inky cephalopods. “I’ve been to several parties where someone couldn’t remember the correct plural, and guess what? Nothing happened. We’ve concluded that if someone judges you for something that minor, you are scientifically obligated to throw a drink in their face.” At press time, it remained unclear what word octopuses use to describe a group of humans, as the matter was equally ambiguous—and equally unimportant—to them.

Scientists Warn Planet Running Out Of Greener Grass

LOS ANGELES, CA — Following the release of a new report from the Environmental Protection Agency, scientists now warn that Earth is rapidly running out of greener grass. “A combination of rising temperatures, desertification, and a general lack of optimism has led to a dramatic decline in greener grass,” said Dr. Jean Ellis, noting that researchers were unable to discern any meaningful difference between their grass and the grass on the ‘other side.’ “At this rate, future generations may no longer be able to assure themselves that things are better elsewhere. In California alone, we’ve found only three front lawns that contain both verdant and hopeful fauna.” Experts added that ongoing water shortages have made it nearly impossible to make one’s own lawn greener. According to the report, the number of pastures that could reasonably be described as greener is also rapidly diminishing.

And that’s all she wrote! I had a blast squeezing these out, and I really am very lucky to be able to share these with you all. Whether I get the fellowship or not, there’s a lot of weird satire coming from my brain to your eyes/ears/mouth.

Update!

Before any of you grab your pitchforks, I’d like to take a moment and think about what this actually is. Yes, it is a rejection. Yes, it is disappointing. Yes, it is needlessly vague about who exactly got hired even though I wouldn’t do anything nasty to them I swear.

But what it really is…is tough love. The Onion has become like a cold-yet-loving, distant-yet-close father to The Vast Squeeze. Through their persistent rejection, they have taught me to forge my own path, work extra hard, and to always take no for an answer. Without them, who knows what I would do with the extra-half hour a week I currently spend trying to make an alluring thumbnail in Canva, or with the three hours it takes me to figure out how many footnotes I should put in an article about, oh I dunno, “Immigrant Toe Fungus” or something1. I need these pithy emails to keep my head on straight, and light the path before me.

So to The Onion Hiring Team I say:

Thank you. The logo is a lemon because I’m not sour!